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I'm feeling...emotional tonight. I don't even know if that's the right word. Pensive maybe? Thoughtful? Sober? Solemn? Withdrawn? Contemplative? Take your pick.
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Not about anything in particular. More accurately, I am feeling this way about a whole lot of things all at once. I've mentioned before, that making lists helps my sanity, so here's one now to help you (and me) understand what I mean:
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1. I hate being shy. I've fought against it my entire life, and believe it or not, I've made significant progress. However, it continues to frustrate me on a a daily basis. For example, why can't I have a natural, casual conversation without being a big, awkward boob? I want to be smiley and flirtatious and funny and pleasant! How does everyone else do it so naturally? I don't want to be overlooked, considered incompetent, or considered a snob, just because I can't think of something to say at the spur of the moment! Some days are worse than others, of course. Tonight, however...was just one of those 'worse than others' is all.
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2. New callings suck. Of course, I'm happy to serve and all that jazz...but why can't I just skip the scary, confusing, trying-to-figure-out-what-the-heck-I'm supposed-to-be-doing part and get directly to the confidently-building-up-Zion-in-my-own-little-way? I like to think of myself as capable and clever, in general. But, I currently feel paralyzed by fear and inexperience...a stupid schmuck.
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3. I love Andrew. At the risk of sounding prosaic, why did the Lord see fit to bless me with such a fine companion? With so many marriages around me fraught with unhappiness and strife, distrust and selfishness, it just doesn't seem fair.
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4. We had the most horribly, depressing faculty meeting about safety and emergency preparedness. In small groups, we were forced to live through awful scenarios of disaster and violence, earthquakes and school shootings, all in hopes of preparing our little school for the possibility of such an event. The scenarios illustrated panic, terror, and students and teachers dieing in gruesome ways...and in many cases, without a thing in the world we could do to prevent it. I realize this was all make-believe. However, it really affected me. To sit there, imagining it happening to people I associate with everyday, made it personal in a way that I can't even explain. It just made me sick. Hours later, I had to sit on my bed, crying my heart out in order to feel normal again. Because quite honestly, if it came right down to it, I would sacrifice my life for those 22 snots of mine.
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That's all, I guess. Goodnight.
Hopefully this mood will be gone in the morning.
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2 comments:
I hope you feel better today! Maybe it's just the week. . . I keep having a hard time being happy and positive as well. My life is full of blessings and I have no reason to be unhappy. . . but I can't seem to help feeling blue. I know it doesn't change the realities of your feelings but I want you to know that I think you are truly amazing! You are fun, creative, surprising, articulate, kind, and wonerful. You are all that a special friend should be and I am sending you happy hugs from the desert.
Life is meant to be a test. We can't always be happy. Just have to try to make the best of every situation. Just know that you're not alone, i'm sure one person or another has one if not all of your thoughts and feelings. Your an awesome daughter of God! Cheer up! :)
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