I AM AN INTROVERT (part II)

Okay. Here is the second half of my shpeal about introverts. You can find the first half HERE. 

Let me begin this post by reemphasizing that being an introvert is not a bad thing, or a synonym for "shy" or "anti-social." It is an inherently different way of interacting with others. Did you know that an introvert's brain is actually wired differently than an extrovert's? Their thought processes travel different paths!

Google it. I think it's amazing.

Now, knowing what we know about introverts, here are some tips for interacting positively with the introverts in your life. 

1.) INTROVERTS HATE "SMALL TALK"

I would prefer to give a prepared speech in front of a thousand people, rather than engage in "small talk" with a casual acquaintance. My worst NIGHTMARE is a social engagement where guests are given nothing more than food and time to mingle and chat. Especially if the atmosphere is noisy (people won't be able to hear me anyway). I'm weak just thinking about it.

The difference between a public speech and "small talk" is the task's structure (or lack thereof). Introverts are highly task oriented, so public speaking can actually be a high for me. I don't mind teaching classes, speaking in church, or leading a group with purpose. But I need time to prepare my thoughts! Making stuff up on the fly is stressful for my careful, perfectionist self. 

Let me give you some advice for those seeking to entertain introverts on a date, party, or weekend stay: Plan an activity with purpose. Give your guests something to DO. Pull out a board game, set up a volleyball net, institute a project...anything to help them relax, focus, and generate conversation beyond burdensome social pleasantries. But don't be surprised if you bring up a topic they're especially passionate about...and they talk your ear off!

2.) BE SINCERE
Sincerity is soooo important. I don't want to have to spend my precious energy discussing mundane, surface-level topics when as an introvert, I crave authentic relationships. I want to reeeally get to know someone and talk about things that mean something. Life stories. Real problems. Exciting ideas. Not 'how my day was' with people who don't care. 

I think Laurie A. Helgoe explains it well when she says:

“Let's clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.”

I prefer one-on-one interaction over a large group any day. Large groups make it difficult to connect with individuals on a personal level. 

Because I'm all about sincerity, my B.S. radar is especially receptive. If I sense someone acting phony or uninterested, I will immediately back off to guard my inner self and conserve energy for someone who is as invested as I am. I need validation that I'm not wasting my strength! 

A good friend

This is why introverts will often have a few, lastingly loyal friendships as opposed to an extrovert's large crowd of pals.We pour masses of energy into them and as such, are fiercely devoted. It takes a lot before I let someone in on my silly, free-spirited side. 

3.) BE KIND

Introverts rework every simple conversation in their mind to exhaustion. Because of this, be especially careful of critical remarks. One impatient tone, one biting comment on social media, one angry letter, will not be so easily erased by compliments and smiles the next day. Introverts will internalize them deeply...and they don't forget. Even if they truly forgive, they may remain wary--requiring time to build trust and really open themselves up to that person again.

Similarly, if you are rolling your eyes and gossiping about someone else, I will immediately put up a wall to protect myself. Why wouldn't I assume you do the same about me when I'm gone? Sure, nobody likes to be gossiped about.  But I believe introverts are even more sensitive to this, because their constant internal dialogue makes them especially hard on themselves. 

If corrections do need to be made, do so privately. Don't reprimand in front of a group, as this will be humiliating to an introvert's perfectionism. They hold very high expectations for themselves.

4.) DON'T TAKE THEM BY SURPRISE
I love to be social...but I absolutely have to be mentally prepared for it. I'm aware that this sounds absurd to those who are naturally outgoing. But it's true. Remember, conversation--especially small talk--is going to leech me of important energy. If I'm low on energy and I haven't prepped for it (like an athlete does for a big game), I'll probably run for cover from that neighbor at the grocery store (like, literally dodge out of an aisle before I'm seen), carefully screen my phone calls even from closest friends (I do so adore the inventor of texting), and fend off unexpected invitations for social engagements ("Uhhh...sorry. I have to do stuff...at my house...alone.") I need to beef up my store of social juices beforehand. I know of extroverts who go to similar lengths just to avoid being alone with their thoughts!

And for the record. If one more person shoves a phone in my face without warning and demands that I say "hello" to someone on the other end, I might throw something. Introverts don't perform their best 'on the spot.' 



5.) DON'T INTERRUPT
Conversations can be frustrating. Extroverts seem to be overly anxious to fill the slightest bit of empty space with noise. The silence makes them feel awkward and nervous, so they take the three seconds I needed to carefully find the right word, as a request to save the day! Then by the time there is another pause in the conversation, that interesting thought I had to contribute isn't even relevant anymore.

“While the introvert is reflecting on the question (thinking first), the extrovert takes this as an invitation to fill the void (talking first). As long as the introvert doesn't interrupt, the extrovert continues to fill the interpersonal space with talk. But as long as the extrovert talks, the introvert can’t think and stays mute. Mute means the invitation is still open, and continued talk assures that the introvert remains mute. By the time the extrovert pauses to ask, the introvert’s head is pounding and he or she just wants to get out so she can think. The extrovert just assumes the introvert had nothing to say, and moves on.”

Obviously, this is not the case with every conversation. But it has happened to me enough times that I can definitely relate. Trying to keep up the conversational pace of an extrovert is exhausting. 

6.) GIVE THEM 'THINK TIME'
Let me illustrate this with an example of a Sunday school class. The teacher poses a question. After 0.2 seconds, the silence makes the teacher antsy and immediately jumps in with their own answer. This cycle repeats itself through the entire lesson, unless a quick-thinking, fast-talking, extrovert can raise their hand first. Afterwhich, the teacher promptly moves on to the next topic.

Silence does not always mean a lack of things to say. The students were just beginning to process the question, make meaningful connections, and organize their words. Count a good 5-10 seconds next time before diving in, and give those poor introverts some solid THINK TIME! Then, after all the extroverts have been called on to share, a teacher's prodding as simple as, "Great! Anyone else have a thought?" a few times, will merit a surprising number of insights from the introverts quietly waiting their turn. I bet you'll be amazed by all they had to say after all.  

7.) DON'T ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE THINKING

An introvert's mind is constantly swirling with thoughts, ideas, and opinions. Because of this, people often misconstrue my "thinking face" as being depressed or judgmental. Just know that I am probably only listening, daydreaming, reflecting, recharging, observing, remembering, waiting until you're done speaking, solving a problem, or making plans instead. Or I may be simply taking immense pleasure in the scene around me...without having to frolic around being the life of the party.

Introverts are gifted at self soothing. They won't burden you with their problems unless you have proven yourself to be sincerely loyal. If you're certain I'm upset about something, just ask. Approaching me sincerely and without accusation will probably merit a truthful response. But don't come to inform me of how I must be feeling by putting words in my mouth. You'll probably be wrong, only placing me in an awkward spot.

“...Extroverts often incorrectly assume that introverts are suffering. Introverts internalize problems; we like to take things inside and work on them there. Extroverts prefer to externalize and deal with problems interactively. Because of this difference, introverts may seem psychologically burdened, while extroverts spread the burden around and seem healthier—from an extroverted standpoint. But note that I said introverts like to take problems inside. Sure, an introvert can overdo it, but so can the extrovert who feels compelled to express every unresolved thought or emotion."

8.) APPRECIATE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE

Introverts have so many strengths. Intuitive, creative, detail conscious, loyal, sincere, focused, strong empathizers, and self-sufficient to name a few. Be grateful for them and refrain from making comments about "growing out of it" or needing to "come out your shell." These only further the misconception that introversion is undesirable and weird, and hurts self esteem.  Yes, we tend to be quiet. But why do you have to keep bringing it up? Introverts need a moment to observe and process before jumping into a situation...and that's okay! Just give some personal space, advance notice, time to think it out, and don't underestimate what those quiet, introverted folks are capable of. 

Let me end with one of the most meaningful compliments of my life. I once overheard a favorite college professor say of me to my Bishop: 

"She's quiet...but there's a world of depth in her."

This meant a great deal to me because it was one of the few times I felt validated for who I am as an introvert, rather than made to feel guilty...like I'm supposed to change or fix myself. Assume this is true about the introverts in your life, that there is a world of depth in them not visible to the outside eye...and appreciate their need to keep it sacred.